Forgotten Kindness in Marriage

There is a joke that once a couple gets married, all the nice gestures end. Things like opening doors for a lady, or baking a favorite dessert for a gentleman, just don't happen anymore. Why is this often the case? Because so many worldly cares come in and rob us of our best behavior.  We get caught  up in trials and worries, and have trouble taking the time to do nice things for those in our own homes.

Lately, this seems to have happened in our house.    Mr. White and I have been on alert-mode, solving problems.  There has been little time for slowing down.  Today, we had a lovely time annoying each other (smiles), and then apologizing. 

Then he made the first effort. . . He turned on The Waltons on Television. He knows I love that program.  He would never watch it, unless he was being nice to me.   I was grateful.  Later, while I cleaned the kitchen, I asked him if he would like something to eat.   These were the little gestures of affection that we had been neglecting. 

It was time to shut out the worries, the problems, the trials, and just slow down our home life and be nice. 

Then we took a drive to the hospital where our second grandchild had just been born.  We both held the new little treasure. It is a girl, and she is very precious.  When it was time to leave, Mr. White opened the car door for me.  I was content and happy. 

It only takes a few minutes to swallow our pride, control our temper, and be nice.  These little sweet actions can help make a marriage a precious, cherished institution. It also makes home a little heaven on earth.

blessings
Mrs. White

Are you one of these? - The Old Time Housewife.

It Happens - When Mother Is Late for Her Shift.

When There Isn't Much Money - To Encourage the Downcast Housewife.



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Getting Along in Marriage

Stress and trials in daily life can cause fights in marriage.  Husband and Wife may argue about money, bills, the condition of the house, or the children.  A Husband might be angry with his wife for neglecting what she is supposed to do, while a wife might be angry with her husband for his hostility or mistreatment.  All this can be avoided, or lessened, if we use the most important technique in marriage.  It is so simple, yet so difficult!

It is all about using social manners.   It is common courtesy to show emotional restraint in public.  We must avoid creating a "scene" when we are upset. We hold back our frustration and anger for the good of those around us.  When a lady acts with such control, she is considered to be dignified and admirable.

We must learn, on a daily basis, no matter how often we are tempted to act otherwise, that we must act with grace in private, just as we would in public.

For those who tend to let their anger erupt and blow off steam to those around them, they must learn, by constant practice, to get control of their emotions.  It is extremely selfish to rant and rave and insult and blame when we are upset.  We cannot allow ourselves to get so angry that we lose our dignity. We must learn good manners.

Getting along in marriage, requires the skill of polite communication, no matter the circumstances around us.   For a husband and wife to 'fight fair' they should remember a few things:

1. They will have differences of opinions and will annoy each other. Expect this. We are all human and have flaws.   Have enough compassion to let these things go.

2. Avoid fighting in front of guests or your children.  To fight in front of others is one of the most selfish things we can do.  It shows a lack of restraint.  It shows a lack of dignity.

3. Never bring up past hurts.  It will only prolong a fight and make it more extreme.

4. Remember that it is normal to be upset with others, even those we love, but we should never allow our scathing words to rend the heart.  To make it plain  - watch your mouth!  . . Guard your words!

5. Never, ever, ever talk about your spouse in a negative way to others.   Guard the privacy of your home. This is an essential part of good manners.

An example of good manners in marriage reminds me of The Waltons. The storekeeper's wife referred to her husband as "Mr. Godsey."  She only called him by his first name during private moments.  

When we wives learn how to use proper communication and emotional restraint in our daily lives, our good manners are observed by our children. They will learn from this. This will affect them for good and not evil.  Sadly, in this current "me-centered" society, it will take tremendous effort to practice proper manners in daily life. It will be an ongoing battle with our words and thoughts.  But it is worth every bit of effort! 

Remember this - a lady will use good manners even when no one else does. She will do this even if there is no reward.  She will do this because it is the right thing to do.

The joy of a happy marriage is based on a wife as the center of good morals, virtue and loveliness. This is all clearly seen by her behavior.  And it brings a light of beauty into a cold, sad world.

Blessings
Mrs. White

The Stages of Child Raising with - Mother as the Coach.

Remembering when the Children were Little - A Mailbox in the House.

When Things get Very Busy - Cooking while Holding a Bible.

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Mrs or Miss and Other Titles of Respect

In ballet class, the students are required to call their teacher "Miss" and then her first name. This shows classical respect. This was also common manners when I was a child. A Friend who visited was called "Miss Annie."

If it was a very close family friend, one who was beloved, she was given the title of "Aunt." I had a few "Aunts" who seemed like they were part of our family. I would not have ever dreamed of calling them by their first names without using the title "Aunt."  (My own children have a dearly loved "Uncle" who is my husband's closest friend.)

We had visitors from the south in summer. The small children would call me "Ma'am" even though I was their cousin. It was because I was their elder.  Have you ever heard a sweet child with a southern accent call an eleven year old, "Ma'am"? It is precious!  The children would never say a simple "no" or "yes" without a "Ma'am" or "Sir" when speaking to the older generation. It was common courtesy. (The adults responded the same way, as an example, by saying "Ma'am" and "Sir" as well.)

In those days, the world was family - centered and adult  - centered. Children were cherished, but were taught to give up a seat for an older person. When company came, they would gladly give up their bedroom for the guest. The children would sleep on "pallets," or blankets, on the living room floor. They were happy with this arrangement and knew no other way.  Children looked forward to the privildge of being grown and looked forward to growing up and getting to be an honored adult.

Children were also taught to "go play" during adult conversation. Parents and visitors would talk quietly about the news of the day, or some trial in the family, so as not to upset the innocence of children. This was part of respect and manners in the home. Children did not live in the adult world. They were honored and protected as children.

One of the greatest blessings in life was to earn the title of "Mrs."  Girls were called "Miss" until they married.  I remember being called "Miss Sharon" growing up and I loved it.  There was some dignity and elegance to the title of "Miss," just like in ballet class. If I was helping in Sunday School, the little students called  me "Miss," or "Ma'am." 

 But when I became "Mrs. White" I was honored and delighted.  Suddenly I had protection, in a sense. I had a covering and a very special reason to act accordingly. I had a husband who expected me to be a lady, and an honor to his name.   Women used to proudly address themselves as "Mrs." . . . When out in the stores, they would say hello to each other by showing respect to the family and husband by saying, "Hello Mrs. Smith! How are you today?"  It brought out the grace and dignity in all. (Of course, in close, personal visits, first names were used.)

When titles are used, it brings out gallantry in gentlemen and refinement in other women. In the old days, no one scoffed at titles like they do today. This is part of the reason we have an extremely casual self-centered society. No one wants to give place to respect and honor.


In the old days, Ladies dressed like ladies. They were in skirts and dresses, not sweatshirts and sweatpants. Women and Children dressed up to go to the store, the church or out visiting. We presented ourselves in our best because this brought out the best in others.   Ladies also gave their best to their families, at home, by dressing nicely.  They did not wear ratty, casual clothes. They would wear a comfortable, but pretty, house dress with an apron over it. This meant they cared about how they looked and wanted to please their families by looking sweet and pleasant. They were also ready to greet unexpected guests. This does not mean they were in their Sunday Best, but they looked nice and were not embarrassed when someone came by. This carried into their homes.

When we use Titles and Have Respect and know the place and the value of Manners, we not only look nice, but our homes look nice. We also treat others in a more civil, kind way. We respect the family, the institution of marriage and the love of home.

One of my greatest wishes is that they would do away with the term "Ms." because it brings confusion. Originally, we know that Miss means unmarried and Mrs. means married. Why then the term of "Ms."?   I would also love if unisex clothing went out of fashion.  I would love if our town and our state and our county realized the potential for traditional royalty and started to act accordingly. Truly this would trickle down to our children and succeeding generations and bring more pride and love for values and manners.

Recently I saw a picture of a modern family. It was a Husband and Wife with all their children. They were dressed up and smiling.  Even though they looked lovely, I could sense a casualness to them. I contrasted this with an early 1900's historic photograph (in black and white) of my grandfather when he was a small boy. His siblings and parents were also in the picture. The dignity and pride came through in their stature and poise. Their clothing was amazing, even though they were far from rich. This was the traditional family of which I speak. This is where titles and manners and customs of the old days brings out the richness of our heritage.

If only more ladies were proud of being called "Aunt" or "Miss" and thought it endearing. If only neighbors and friends were commonly called, with a sweet smile, "Mrs."  If only children were taught to give up their seat for their elders and learned to honor them with titles.  While the adults, likewise, protected their innocence and taught them by example.  Maybe we could recapture the joy of family and understand that royalty and dignity is possible, once again, in this great nation.

Blessings
Mrs. White

* One of the original sources for good manners is from classic  Emily Post's Etiquette book.

The Way of the Old Days - Building our Homes with Little Money.

A Precious Sermon - The Godly Home, Marriage and Family.

What do you Think? - Do We Really Care About our Homes?

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Manners Learned at The Finishing School

I attended a homemade finishing school. This was conducted a few times a month with the assistance of my Aunt. She lived in a lovely house a few streets over from us.  Her house was decorated with elegant paintings, beautiful lamps and lovely furniture. She had a guest room with white bedroom furniture, a rose colored lamp, end-tables and gorgeous shades on the windows. There was even a large vanity mirror above the dresser.

My sister and I were invited to sleep over her house.  She would set our hair in rollers, then settle us in the guest room. She would open the door just a bit, and say, "Do you girls need anything?" We were so comfortable in the soft beds, and warm, expensive blankets, that we felt like royalty. She was an excellent, patient hostess. I never saw her rushing about.

In the morning, we would get all dressed up and go out to breakfast.  The first restaurant I remember was across from the harbor in a lovely Massachusetts town.  Auntie taught us how to sit up straight, order our food, and place a napkin on our laps. She told us which silverware to use and how to act like ladies. This was all done as if there was all the time in the world.

This went on for many years. Then, as we got older and started to move on, we girls were busier and didn't have much time for our "informal" lessons.  My sister and I had a different schedule. We weren't together as often. On occasion, as I was walking to the high school bus stop, in the early morning hours, my Aunt would be on her way to work.  She would stop and pick me up.  This was the first time in my life I ever heard classical music. It was calming and soothing. She would listen to this on her way to the city, where she would take the subway, or ferry, into Boston for the day's work.

At other times, she would invite me to breakfast. My favorite place was called "Mug 'n Muffin," which was a high class cafe in the plaza.  The lights were dim. The tables were dark mahogany, and the booths were burgundy leather. I always ordered the same thing - A hot chocolate with whipped cream, and a warm chocolate chip muffin served on a delicate plate. I ate this with a fork, as if it was a delicious  pastry one could order in a French restaurant. During our little visit in the cafe, we would talk about our days and upcoming plans. 

Auntie had family parties at her house. We always dressed up for these. She had a finished basement, where a table was set up with a tablecloth. There were all kinds of wonderful things  to eat and drink lined up for the guests.  It was always family, and perhaps a friend or two.  We enjoyed these gatherings so much!  We would walk throughout the house, visiting everyone in the different rooms depending on who was where. Perhaps a cousin was in the formal living room. Or an Uncle in the kitchen talking to Dad and Mom.   There were usually a few small children who entertained us with their antics. But even they were dressed in their best!

Auntie had stories of travelling. I was most fascinated with her trip to Italy.  She once gave me a gorgeous pair of white, long leather gloves which she bought while abroad. I cherish them!

And while this all might sound even more interesting when reminiscing, it was really just we girls, spending time with our Aunt through our growing up years. I don't think she even realized she was the very source of our education in manners, or that she was our teacher in a homemade finishing school.

Blessings
Mrs. White

A photograph of our Vermont House - The Purple Parlour.

Nourishing the Soul - Kitchen Sermons.

When things are rough for the older ones - Childhood Home as the Nursery.



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